Citan

By Nightsong

 

The depths of the human spirit never cease to amaze me.  Those depths are the only things I can not explain away.  Being as analytical as I am, this has been hard to accept.  I explained away the existence of Id, along with countless other lives.  I tried to convince myself that, despite my knowledge of the key, and everything else that was to come, it didnít matter.  I knew that the Ďlambsí were no different than the Solarians.  I merely thought they were different from me, somehow inferior.  After all, they couldnít think like me.  I tried to spare their lives whenever possible, which is why I put away my blade.  But it wasnít for them.  I did it for myself.  I didnít want to dirty my hands with them, didnít want to have to think of them as people.  For if I had killed them, I would have been forced to re-examine who they were, and who I was.  Thatís why I tried to save them whenever possible. 

 

Even as I watched Fei for those three quiet years, I tried to remain separate from the land-dwellers.  Thatís why I lived in the mountains.  I wanted to be aloof.  I didnít want to care.  But, try as I might, I began to, at least for Fei.  But then, he wasnít a normal land-dweller.  He was a medical case for me to study.  A schizophrenic.  I found him incredible fascinating.  So, maybe I didnít really care for him either, not at first.  I wanted to help him, though, especially after Lahan was destroyed.  He had so much emotion within himÖ I didnít know how to handle it.  My wife wasnít like that.  We rarely spoke, even when we lived together.  She knew my secret, and she didnít like it.  She hated that I served the Emperor.  And my daughterÖ I could not even once get her to call me Ďfather.í  She rarely even spoke, and it was even rarer that her words should be directed at myself.  I suppose it is what I deserve.  I gained a daughter just like myself, analytical and uncaring. 

 

So I had little trouble seperating myself from them, to help Fei.  I donít know why I went, that first time.  Perhaps I was just testing my Land Crab.  Perhaps I didnít want to go back to Shevat, where Yui took the survivors of Lahan.  But itís most likely that I just wanted to continue studying Fei.  He was by far the most interesting specimen Iíd ever been faced with.  Specimen.  Is that all I thought of him?  I tried to act caring towards him, but he often annoyed me when I did.  Since he was schizophrenic, he often had trouble facing crises.  I hated that.  Every time the slightest thing would happen, heíd collapse.  I tried to put up with it,  but there were times when I snapped at him, told him he had to get up and face reality.  Of course, I had not right to say that to him.  I myself couldnít face reality, couldnít face that the people I watched were PEOPLE, not a means of entertainment for me.  But I continued to treat the entire situation like a study case.  I lied to Fei about my past, if it ever came up.  I warned no one of what was to come, not even my closest friends.  Perhaps I never had any true friends.  There was Sigurd, but I lied even to him.  He thought we were escaping Solaris, when in reality I was continuing to serve.  I wasnít serving those fools in the ministry, but I was serving nonetheless. 

 

But I still didnít care.

 

When did it all become real to me?  It wasnít when Id destroyed Entrenank.  Not even that slaughter, nor the slaughter of Ellyís parents could make the desperation of what was happening evident.  I was blind.  I didnít care when Ellyís parents were killed.  I didnít care when hundreds of thousands of Solarians were killed on the whim of a created personality.  Not even when I saw the people begin to turn into Reapers.

 

Perhaps it was when I watched Elly speak to the people.  From all that I knew, she was Mother Sophia reborn, and this seemed evident as she spoke to those who had been made into Wels.  When I saw how deeply hurt she was by their suffering, as though she should have somehow stopped it, everything became apparent to me.  The people were no longer things for me to study.  I was no longer above them.  It became clear that they felt just as I felt, and that they were hurting partially because I had done nothing to stop fate.  Perhaps I couldnít have stopped this from occurring.  But I should have tried.  Then, things deteriorated further.  After the key was used, almost all humans were changed.  There were but a few left whole.  We could not stop their suffering.  I could not stop it.  And now, finally able to see reality, I could do nothing but suffer with them.  But I felt guilty even for that.  I was not effected by the key.  I was still human.  What could I possibly know of their pain?  It was as if I had used my own pain as a way to escape looking at was going on.  But I could not escape it. 

 

And then we came upon Deus, supposed God of our world.  It was nothing more than a robotic abomination.  But it was a powerful abomination.  It destroyed so much, and all because Krelian wished to journey the stars.  But I cannot blame him alone.  I knew what the discovery of Mahanon would bring, as did all of the inner circle.  I did nothing to stop them.  I even aided them by watching over Fei.  What was I?  What am I now? 

 

All that is left of our world is a wrecked Shevat, and a great leech.  Deus drains what is left of our world, after his initial blast of destruction.  My faultÖ  At least 95% of the world lies dead, or if not dead, then changed into monstrosities, things that wish they could be dead.  All we can do now is stop the thing.  But can we even stop a thing considered to be God?  My mind tells me no.  Everything I have ever learned tells me it is beyond impossible.  But my mind has done nothing thus far, except allow destruction to come about.  I will not trust it.  I will go with what I know is right.  I will fight, even if it means my death.

 

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